// HOW I FEEL ABOUT GRAD SCHOOL//

whatshouldwecallgradschool:

(but it’ll pay off…..someday)

i have a bacteriology final exam on monday. my brain is swimming with gram-stain results and virulence factors, and i just wanted 10 minutes to get away, so i got on here. but there’s much too much to catch up on. and i feel like all that happens in my life now is science. it’s a means to an end, i think. am i even using that right? it’s just that the next couple of months might change me. i feel like i am losing social skills from staying holed away in my office with my textbooks. the most exciting things that happen to me are going running and cooking meals. i don’t even get dressed most days. i spend more time alone than ever before, and i don’t even know if i care or not. i can feel myself growing and shedding skin through my stagnant sitting at a desk. the only thing i am 100% sure of? that i absolutely, positively love my dog more than anything in the world, and i think i might not be able to do any of this without him. he is constant love, understanding eyes, and a mid-afternoon breath of fresh air in the park. do i really need anything else? 

i have a bad habit of buying swim suits in January.

// finals week//

makes me so lonely. it’s raining, and i’ve had so much coffee that i am shaking, but i am still tired. i know it will all be over tomorrow, but i have never been so anxious. i guess, i’ve really never cared so much. i never wanted perfection so bad, whatever that is. i have the means and the drive to prioritize myself and my studies, and somehow it makes me end up in fits of sadness. i know i haven’t been exercising this week, which is rare for me, and i haven’t been sleeping much, or brushing my hair, or putting on anything but yoga pants and metal band shirts… sigh. at least tomorrow, i can dress up, and i can take this immunology exam, and then afterwards i can get some margaritas with some people that understand. and get up and hop on a bus to new york. yeah, that will be nice.